…That the next debate would be moderated as fair and impartially as the first one, it turns out that Anderson One-Of-My-Hairs-Turns-White-Every-40-Lies-I-Tell-On-TV Cooper will moderate the second.
Sit back and relax in the confidence that this paragon of journalistic integrity determines which candidate is asked what question.
If you don’t feel up to spending 90 minutes watching another tedious Hillary Soundbite Fest, here’s a summary, in advance, of how it will go:
IMPARTIAL NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR: Mr. Trump, the experts agree that you are the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler. Do your extremist views on immigration derive more from your hatred of minorities, or your plan to start a nuclear war?
TRUMP: Let me start off by saying that minoritiess really, really love me. (Sniff.) And I run a wonderful, wonderful company that makes lots and lots of money. (Sniff.) And I never threatened to nuke anyone who didn’t make rude gestures.
IMPARTIAL NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR: Secretary Clinton, I’ve got a real hardball for you. Would you say Mr. Trump is unfit to be president more because he is a psychotic Nazi, or because he’s a dehumanizing hater of all women?
HILLARY: (chuckles) Well, that is a tough one. But a president has to be prepared to answer tough questions, and I’ve been preparing . So let me say, right off, that Donald probably isn’t as rich as he says he is. Secondly, however rich he actually is, he got that way by shady real estate deals, stiffing contractors and cheating on his taxes. Now, more to the core of your question, I would say the psychotic Nazi side of Donald would explain his alliance with that deplorable cartoon frog…and what foreign leader could even take him seriously? I mean, really. (Audience laughs.) Now, the misogynistic, woman-dehumanizing monster side of my opponent is the reason no female staffers or political aides would be safe anywhere near the White House with Donald living there. But really, it’s a combination of many factors–from his crooked real estate deals, to the way he covers for people who abuse women, to the way he made his millions, to his ridiculous Birther allegations, to his attitude toward the First Amendment…all of these factors add up to a man who is unfit to run a business, much less a country. (Audience applauds.)
TRUMP: Believe me, I’m every bit as rich as I say I am. Trust me on this.