Since before Donald Trump took office, we’ve been repeatedly informed that he is “literally Hitler” and that his supporters are fascists at best, Nazis at worst.

This is a little confusing, because I’d been previously informed by a high school biology teacher that Ronald Reagan was literally Hitler. That’s three separate individuals who are all the same person: Trump, Reagan, and presumably Hitler himself.

Of course it all makes sense if you watch enough Star Trek. Obviously some malevolent entity that first possessed Jack the Ripper later possessed these three evil historic villains.

Um, did I say “evil”? Of course all woke people know there’s actually no such thing as good or evil. The only people who believe in such outdated, puritan concepts as evil are evil religious-right demagogues. So Hitler wasn’t truly eeee-veel, he was just insane. If only his school teachers had identified his mental illness and pumped him full of psychotropic drugs, that would have fixed everything.

“But wait,” say the millennials and Generation Z, “who is Hitler? Wasn’t he supposed to be this, like, really mean guy or something?”

Well, even though it’s like, totally lame to think, talk, or read about anything that happened more than six months ago, we maybe should randomly empower you with some woke info on this paranormal force of evil meanness that just so happened to control some ancient, like, European dude with a funny mustache.

We should start with Socialism…this totally amazing system where:

1. Everybody is disarmed except the police and armed forces.
2. Genocide can be efficiently implemented when necessary.
3. Children must attend state-controlled schools and be programmed to believe The Narrative without question.
4. A progressive, graduated income tax keeps the non-ruling class equally miserable.
5.  Careless speech (or even suspected thoughts) will result in dissenters vanishing, never to be seen again.
6.  The state owns and controls all business and industry.

But along came this dude named Mussolini who instituted a system that was TOTALLY, 100% OPPOSITE!!!!!!!!! (And therefore wrong.) Just look at how utterly distinct Fascism is from Socialism in every way:

1. Everybody is disarmed except the police and armed forces.
2. Genocide can be efficiently implemented when necessary.
3. Children must attend state-controlled schools and be programmed to believe The Narrative without question.
4. A progressive, graduated income tax keeps the non-ruling class equally miserable.
5.  Careless speech (or even suspected thoughts) will result in dissenters vanishing, never to be seen again.
6.  The state controls all business and industry, although symbolic private ownership is still tolerated.

Now, can you see how socialism is a moral, Utopian ideal which leads to paradise, while fascism is just so…um…like, unwoke?

And now you can see how “Antifa” is legit and TOTALLY UNLIKE the blackshirted mobs in 1920s Italy that threatened and attacked anyone who disagreed with their politics.

Alright, so let’s talk about this Hitler guy.

He was like a deplorable combination of Ron Paul and Ted Cruz. If he was here, he’d so be a member of the NRA, the Tea Party and Gamergate. He would do really mean, backwards things like broker peace between North and South Korea, recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel (and move his country’s embassy there), and deregulate industry (because, y’know, he just hated micromanaging and being in control).

Oh yeah–he would do undignified, unpresidential things like tweet on Twitter, too. (FDR on the other hand, being dignified and presidential, would continue to hold his Fireside Chats on the radio in 2018.)

And that’s the approved, official, credible, trustworthy, fact-checked history. Anything else is fake history according to Facebook, Google, and the Southern Poverty Law Center.

(Until further notice.)