Here’s an excerpt from any debate, past or future, that involves Biden and Trump.

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

Vice-President Biden, all the ridiculous allegations leveled against you have been thoroughly and completely debunked and discredited by totally dispassionate, impartial and non-partisan fact-checkers. Do you think President Trump is only distracting us with Russian disinformation to hide the absolutely proven fact that he hates Mexicans and wants to lock African-Americans in death camps?

BIDEN:

Thank-you for that question. You know, those same non-partisan fact-checkers have found that the data on that laptop was hacked. Hacked! Unlike President Trump’s tax records, which were obtained through legal means. So they hacked us. Well, not us, but the agent of Vladymir Putin who impersonated my son and planted the laptop in that Nazi repair guys shop and…wait, what was that?

(taps earpiece)

Oh, sorry. I mean the Nazi repair shop guy hacked into my son’s laptop, forged those emails, and hired a body double to pose with a crack pipe and an underage girl so he would appear to be my son. Now what kind of monster would use the office of the President to…to ask about corruption involving a sitting Vice-President bribing a Ukrainian official to fire a prosecutor who can’t be bullied, blackmailed, or intimidated…

TRUMP:

Joe! What about all the gaffes, Joe?  When you talk, it’s very, very bad in my opinion. I’m worried about your mental health, Joe.

BIDEN:

C’mon, man. There’s nothing wrong with my menapausal health. That’s been completely discredited. It’s Russian disinformation! You’re the one who told people to drink bleach and listen to African witchdoctors…

TRUMP:

Hey, Joe! Joe, the gaffes–all the gaffes. It’s not good, Joe.

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump, I’m afraid your interruptions are unpresidential.

BIDEN:

Yeah! He’s not presidential!

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

My next question is addressed to you, Mr. Unpresidential. Even though all the experts agree that you’re literally Hitler, we ask you, in the name of all humanity, to overcome your own irredeemable racism and denounce your own white supremacy, and the white supremacist past of this horrible, deplorable country.

TRUMP:

The only supremacy is my economy. I’ve created more jobs than any other administration in history.

BIDEN:

Listen to this clown–he’s not presidential! He refuses to denounce it.

TRUMP:

Denounce what, Joe? All the jobs? All the wonderful, wonderful jobs I created, like never ever before?

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

Why can’t you denounce America’s evil racist Nazi past?

TRUMP:

You don’t want to hear about all my wonderful, wonderful jobs? How about all our fantastic men and women in uniform? You know we’ve got a great, great military. And they’re doing a fantastic, fantastic job, like never ever before.

BIDEN:

He’s a Nazi! He’s literally Hitler.

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

Mr. President, you’re dodging the question. Why can’t you just disavow America’s white supremacist crimes?

TRUMP:

I’m not dodging. I’ve denounced and disavowed many, many times. Like no President ever before.

BIDEN:

No you haven’t!

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for you to just denounce and disavow the evil racist Nazi scumbags who built this vile, deplorable, oppressive white supremacist country. A person in your role  could help this irredeemable Nazi country heal, by denouncing the white supremacist patriarchs from our racist past.

TRUMP:

Like who? Who do you want me to denounce? Name somebody.

BIDEN:

Abraham Lincoln!

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

Let’s say…Fredrick Douglas.

TRUMP:

Abraham Lincoln…Fredrick Douglas…I would say stand down; but their statues are already down. But let me tell you, the jobs numbers are fantastic. And they’re going to get even better. They’re gonna take off like never, ever before.

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

Mr. Vice-President, this next scintillating hardball question is for you. Experts agree that Mr. Trump is a ruthless dictator. The most recent evidence of this is his refusal to violate the Bill of Rights, send federal agents to kick in doors in the middle of the night and confiscate people’s AR-13 quasi-automatic atomic machineguns. He also won’t enact martial law to lock up the right-wing white supremacists who are infiltrating the peaceful protests around the country. Credible news sources have proven that the protests are completely peaceful; but if they aren’t, it’s totally the fault of Republicans–and especially President Trump. When you reflect on the lack of leadership from the White House that causes all this misery and suffering, what flavor ice cream do you prefer to console yourself?

TRUMP:

Hey, that’s not true. I banned bump stocks! Look at all the lives that were saved by my very, very historic bump stock ban.

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

Mr. President, please. It’s Vice-President Biden’s turn.

BIDEN:

I once preferred vanilla; but now it’s chocolate. I didn’t used to like mixing the two. I didn’t want my children to grow up in a world where all that chocolate mixed in with the vanilla and created an ice cream jungle. So one day after my heroic confrontation with Corn Pop, I was sitting there at the pool while a little girl played with the hairs on my leg…

TRUMP:

Joe! Hey Joe! What about orange sherbet, Joe? It’s a much, much better flavor.

BIDEN:

Uh…oh yeah. Only racists look at these peaceful protests and find something wrong with them. When a dirty cop, who has been protected by the police union, puts his knee on the neck of one of my voters, it’s perfectly reasonable to loot a department store, burn down an Auto Zone, and beat people to death.  What they’re doing is no different than Paul Revere. If you have a problem with that, then you ain’t black! C’mon, man–they just need a record player, and a hi-fi sound system and…um, TV antennas. Because systemic racism. I mean, you know, get over your white privilege. These people are doing exactly what Franklin Roosevelt and the Rough Riders would have done when they attacked Bunker Hill right after the Italians bombed Pearl Harbor. Just like my sister said one time…

(taps earpiece)

Right, no…like my wife said one time in the great state of Boston…well, alright, I mean the great city of Arizona…

TRUMP:

We need law and order, Joe. Law and order!

BIDEN:

Huh? Oh yeah.  Not that the peaceful protests are riots, of course; but the riots are Republicans’ fault. The governors and mayors who make the police stand down so mobs can burn loot and murder…

(taps earpiece)

Er, peacefully of course. And the district attorneys who let the rioters right back out on the street when they do happen to get arrested? All Republicans! And what my opponent, Governor Reagan, doesn’t want you to know is, it’s all caused by COVID-19! 800 billion citizens died of COVID-19 just in the last week–on his watch!While my opponent was hiding in his bunker. And you know what? The Republicans created the virus in a lab! It’s designed specifically to target minorities, women, and the LGBT community. The Republicans released this virus, blamed it on my handlers in China…excuse me, I mean our humanitarian, democratic friends in China. And…and the virus is killing people! The Republicans are trying to blame my constituents for burning American cities down; but in reality, it’s Qanon Boogaloos looting the businesses, COVID-19 killing store owners, and climate change is setting the fires! The facts are: the Republicans started the KKK. Communist China isn’t a dictatorship. The real crime wasn’t me threatening to withhold a billion dollars in aid to Ukraine unless they let my son get away scot-free–it was Trump having the audacity to ask about it. Just like I was telling my good friend Nelson Mandela right before we were arrested for not moving to the back of the bus in South America…

TRUMP:

Law and order, Joe. Why can’t you just say “law and order”? It’s like a magic mantra. I don’t know why you won’t just say it. It magically wins debates. It might also make somebody show up to your campaign rallies. My rallies are huge. Law and order, Joe.

SUN TZU enters from stage left.

SUN TZU:

(whispering in TRUMP’s ear)

Most deplorable President–you must stop interrupting your enemy when he’s making a mistake.

TRUMP:

Well, he’s not really an enemy. Just like Crooked Hillary, we all owe Sleepy Joe a debt of gratitude for his faithful service to our country.

SUN TZU shrugs and approaches TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

SUN TZU:

Maybe you will listen, Most Esteemed Non-Partisan Moderator. By your questions, it  is clear you don’t know your enemy…

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

The hell, you say! Nobody knows the American people better than we members of the Press.

SUN TZU shrugs, turns, glances briefly at BIDEN, shakes his heat and exits stage left.

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

Mister President, when you took office, you swore an oath not only to uphold the poem inscribed on the Statue of Liberty; but to honor the last wish of Darth Vader-Ginsberg. Completely reliable non-partisan fact-checkers have determined that she asked you not to fill her seat on the Supreme Court.  Do you understand how much good, decent people loathe you because of your unconstitutional insistence on filling that vacant seat, which violates the rule of law?

BIDEN:

Yeah–and the replacement is a rapist! We should believe women! I unequivically endorse the #MeToo movement.

TRUMP:

I nominated a woman, Joe. And she’s done a very, very great job.

BIDEN:

This is a sham. How can you dare fulfill the duties of a President during an election year? This is unconscionable! I haven’t even had a chance to sniff her hair or fondle her children yet.

TRUMP:

Joe! Your rallies are small, Joe. By the way, I also have more money than you, and a better-looking wife.

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

MR. Vice-President, totally discredited right-wing lunatics have spread the completely unsubstantiated rumor that you plan to stack the Supreme Court. Would you say their motivation is due to racism, , or sexism?

BIDEN:

Well, sexism, because he nominated a woman. Like he thinks she needs some man to help her into a position on the bench. Like she couldn’t do it herself. And racism, because she’s guilty of cultural appropriation. She adopted two black African kids and raised them as her own. If that’s not the most insidious form of racism, I don’t know what is. You know, that swimming pool wasn’t the last place I saw Corn Pop. We were in the war together, later. Wound up in the same SEAL Team with each other. On this one mission, when we were surrounded  by 40 thousand samurais from Pinochet’s Imperial Guard…

TRUMP:

Why don’t you answer the question, Joe?

BIDEN:

It’s the Republicans who are stacking the court! Filling a vacant seat is packing the court! Appointing judges to the federal bench with no regard to skin color is packing the court!

TOTALLY NEUTRAL, IMPARTIAL, NON-PARTISAN MODERATOR:

Let me set the record straight…when public officials talk of increasing the size of the Supreme Court by adding 20 more hard-left socialist Democrats, that constitutes de-politicizing the court.

TRUMP:

Just answer the question, Joe!

BIDEN:

You’ll see once I’m elected. I don’t have to answer that question. It’s against the rule of law for voters to have an idea what a candidate intends to do once elected. It says so right on the Magna Carta–you can read it for yourself.

NANCY PELOSI enters from stage left and faces the audience.

PELOSI:

You have to elect him, to find out what he intends to do.