I think I remember reading or hearing once, years ago, that the word “hysterical” derived from a Latin root phrase which means, roughly, “wandering uterus.” In that light, a partner in crime here at Virtual Pulp directed my attention to a post on some site called “XO Jane” titled: 35 Practical Steps Men Can Take To Support Feminism.

(Maybe “hysterical” came from Greek instead of Latin. Does it matter? It’s all Greco-Roman to me. Who can really differentiate between all those ancient skirt-wearing metrosexuals, anyway?)

If you have the stomach for it, you can read the entire manifesto here…just in case you thought the list items below are another of my parodies because surely nobody would come out and actually spew B-Movie (femi)Nazi dogma like this in public.

Well, they have come out, and stop calling me Shirley!

Frankly, it’s hysterical–the parts that don’t either put you to sleep or induce vomiting, that is. So I’m going to pull priceless nuggets of sage advice from this hysterical masterpiece and apply some perspective in Two-Fisted Blogging style.

Of the 35 nuggets on this list, here are the highlights:

3. Consume cultural products produced by women.

Unless it’s food or clothes, because that would be helping “the Patriarchy” force her into an oppressive gender role.

6. When a woman tells you something is sexist, believe her.

And when a Democrat tells you something is racist, believe them.

10. Have progressive name politics.

What this refers to is a male taking a female’s last name when they get married. It’s news to me that people are doing this in our “oppressive patriarchy,” and even have a name for it. I wonder how happy a woman could be married to the blue pill spineless pantywaist (or gamma-male mangina, if you prefer) willing to go through with this. Well, she probably only wants the alleged man for his income anyway.

15. Don’t be an online bystander in the face of sexism.

Be proactive and willing to turn in your cyber-neighbors, because the NSA can’t watch everyone every second that they might be committing thoughtcrime.

19. Pay attention to the sex of experts and key figures presenting information to you in the media.

Because a cornerstone of equality is judging somebody by their sex (or race or ethnicity) rather than the validity of their claims.

20. Ensure that some of your heroes and role models are women.

Don’t worry–the entertainment industry has got this covered. You have no choice–even if you want to watch or read an action-adventure about a male protagonist, the obligatory amazon superninja will be rammed down your throat EVERY SINGLE TIME.

21. Praise the virtues and accomplishments of women in your life to others.

Whether they deserve praise or not. In fact, women should never be criticized for ANYTHING they say or do because that’s sexism. Unless they’re politically right-of-center, of course.

24. Know that acknowledging your own sexist opinions and stereotypes you hold is not enough. Do something about them.

If you’re already meeting your quota of television viewing but still cling to the bigoted notion that men and women are different, a lobotomy and castration may be in order.

26. Find female mentors/leaders. (i.e., Be subordinate to women.)

Change careers if necessary…or sign on with a professional dominatrix. Sorry, there’s just too many potential responses to # 26 and most of them involve throwing up.

29. Offer to accompany female friends if they have to walk home alone at night…or in a public space where they may be likely to feel unsafe.

Some agent provacateur from the Patriarchy must have inserted this one, since it’s so obviously sexist–presuming that a woman needs a man for protection, to feel safe, or for anything else. We know from popular culture that women are superior to us in every way, after all.

30. Inject feminism into your daily conversations with other men.

Don’t just police your own thoughts–make sure everyone else is thinking correctly, too.

32. Women still earn about 77% as much as men. If you are in a position where you are financially able to do so, consider donating a symbolic 23% of your income to social justice-oriented causes.

No worries: For those who work for a living, the IRS is already doing this with your money.

34. Get in the habit of treating your maleness as an unearned privilege that you have to actively work to cede rather than femaleness being an unearned disadvantage that women have to work to overcome.

It’s hard to imagine a comparative statement with assumptions more myopic on both sides of the comparison.

35. Self-identify as a feminist.

I’m guessing anyone born male who is candy-assed enough to follow any of these directions has already self-identified, at every opportunity. It’s probable he already carries membership cards in his purse to establish bona fides (while somebody else carries his testicles in her purse).

BTW, as an antidote to this (and many other cultural ills) I shamelessly plug my satirical E-Book The Greater Good.