If you grew up with uncut Warner Brothers cartoons, maybe you remember that “Merry Melodies” outnumbered “Looney Toons.” Well, there’s a similar disparity in my Two-Fisted musical reviews.

Only because there’s a whole lot more songs written by or about(or from the perspective of) blue pill supplicating simps than anything else. Easily 75% of all popular music ever produced falls under the “love song” umbrella; and of course most of that is about elevating some precious snowflake to her rightful pedestal.

So in the vast wasteland of Mangina Melodies, I have to spread out the Alpha Anthems as best I can. Here’s the first one:

“Speedo” was recorded by The Cadilacs long before that word came into household use, and has nothing to do with Euro-stylish swimwear.

Speedo is the alpha dog’s nickname, derived allegedly from how fast he bumps, pumps and dumps. Locate’s ’em, loves ’em, leaves ’em. Finds ’em, feels ’em…you get the idea, I hope.

Although this is doo-wop, the lyrics borrow the A, A, B format of the blues.

Whether the lyricists of such songs truly were such big league pick up artists, or simply aspired to be (or cleverly marketed music to those who so aspired) I can’t say. But the hero of this song brags about how he games women and breezily overcomes their last minute resistance (“I’ve known some pretty women and have caused them to change their mind”). Also, the “I already have a boyfriend” defense is weak and easily brushed aside by this Don Juan (his reputation is for “takin’ other folks’s girls”).

What have we learned here, fellahs? I guess it comes down simply to “Don’t mess around with Speedo; he don’t ever take it slow.”